


Never Brought To Mind

by Liadt



Category: Kaldor City
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humour, iago gets off with everyone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-03
Updated: 2015-01-03
Packaged: 2018-03-02 21:07:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2826137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liadt/pseuds/Liadt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Iago has spent a very long night with everyone, well, almost everyone...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Brought To Mind

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Clocketpatch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clocketpatch/gifts).



> A slight subversion of the prompt Iago/Everyone for Clocketpatch.

Uvanov dragged himself out of bed. He had worst hangover ever and the packet of painkillers in the drawer of his bedside table couldn’t cure it. Mainly because the packet was empty of pills. There was nothing for it - he would have to go down to the kitchen or medical room to find some. Did he have a medical room? There were enough rooms for one, he thought, as he set off in search of an aspirin. He deeply regretted giving the staff New Year’s Day off. Why hadn’t he given them New Year’s Eve off, like he usually did and make them come in on New Year’s Day? It would have been useful to have them around to tidy up after the party, he’d held in his mansion, last night. He’d think about that later and everything else, once the world stopped spinning. 

After a pause to allow the world to slow down on its axis, Uvanov made it down the stairs to the entrance hall of his house. Near the double doors into the grand ballroom, Rull lay snoring with an equally somnambulant Cotton cuddled up to him. Uvanov hadn’t thought of the two being together in that way and didn’t want to again. As Uvanov’s gaze drifted up from the pair and through to the ballroom, he noticed there were other slumbering guests in there, in fact he wouldn’t be surprised if all his guests were in there. 

As Uvanov went into the ballroom, an irritating notion struck him, would he expected to provide breakfast for a couple of hundred partygoers? He hoped not, as the guests included Landerchild and other Company Board members he despised. Why had he invited them? Why had he invited anyone at all? He hated New Year’s Eve. Oh yes, he’d held the do on Carnell’s advice. Recently, Uvanov had been losing too many votes for his liking. If there was a vote on his position as Chairholder of the Board, he feared it would go against him and he’d be out. Carnell had said the mother of all blowouts would stem the tide. Was Carnell still here? Taking in the post-party scene, it didn’t take Uvanov long to realise the guests had been doing more than sleeping. In fact, it seemed there had been an orgy.

“I don’t believe it. In my house of all places!” exclaimed Uvanov. He then winced in pain, at the loudness of his voice.

“Please speak quietly, Firstmaster, some of us have sensitive hearing,” said a familiar voice, from somewhere in the ballroom.

Uvanov turned slowly and carefully in the direction of the speaker. He was keen to keep those mushroom samosas, vegetable spring rolls and those unidentifiable, round, brown things that were very moreish, he ate last night, to stay where they were being digested in his stomach. 

“Carnell,” Uvanov hissed at the speaker. He’d found Carnell stretched out on a chaise lounge, over by the windows.

“That’s me I believe,” said Carnell, pulling himself on to an elbow. 

“What’s been going on?”

“Really, if you don’t know about the birds and bees by now, I fear you’re too old to learn.”

“Ha, ha, very funny, I don’t think,” said Uvanov stepping over sleeping partygoers, to get closer to the pyschostrategist. “How did an orgy happen here without me knowing about it?”

“I’d imagine, it was after you retired to bed. Someone had suggested playing a game of truth or dare. When it was my turn to ask a question, I asked Iago if that was his real name. Kaston Iago sounds far too snappy a moniker to have been bestowed by one’s parents, don‘t you think? Iago declined to answer and took the dare.”

“What kind of dare leads to a mass orgy?” said Uvanov. Feeling the room beginning to spin again, he sat down on a sleeping guest. The person he had sat on was in too deep a sleep to notice he was being used as a living chair.

“One where I dared Iago to pleasure everyone to their satisfaction,” said Carnell, smugly.

“Do you mind, I feel queasy enough already. Wait a minute - that’s not possible! There’s a couple of hundred people here,” cried Uvanov, in disbelief.

“Has anyone ever told you have a surprisingly loud voice for a small man?” said Carnell, putting his hands over his ears.

“What’s his real name then? Something highly amusing?” asked Uvanov, before spotting a bottle half-full of amber liquid. He checked it was alcohol with a sniff and took a swig. He’d decided to cure his hangover with a hair of the dog.

“Oh no, he completed his task I can vouch for that.” Carnell lay back on the couch. He looked even more like the cat that had got the cream than usual, thought Uvanov.

“Because you let people opt out if they didn’t want to get off with Iago.” Uvanov was unimpressed.

An expression of incomprehension dawned on Carnell’s face - it was a rare sight. “Why would anyone not want a shag with Iago? The venue might not be to everyone’s taste but…” Carnell gave a shrug.

“You can’t honestly expect me to believe Iago did everyone - it’s not April’s Fool Day yet.”

“Tell me, do you see anyone who doesn’t appear, ah, content in here?”

Uvanov looked around. “Me, if I look in a mirror,” he said and drained the bottle.

“Hmm, if you can find Iago, he’ll be able to change that,” said Carnell.

“I don’t want to get off with Iago,” said Uvanov, peevishly and then regretted it. If, as Carnell said, everyone was lusting after Iago saying aloud he didn’t wasn’t going to improve his popularity on the Board was it? He’d have to cancel Carnell’s fee for suggesting this party.

“I suppose as your personal, uh, is it bodyguard or security consultant?”

“Bodyguard.”

“Yes, that, you’ll have spent plenty of time with him already,” leered Carnell. “If only I had set some rules. Iago will say I didn’t specify when exactly he should have shagged everyone.”

“I haven’t had it off with Iago at all,” said Uvanov, irritably. Was he the only sane person left in Kaldor?

Carnell grinned. “So he’s lost the dare? He’ll have to tell me if he’s really called Iago or not. I could say I’m sorry you didn’t have a good time, like the rest of us, but I’m not.”

Uvanov kicked his heels against the man he was sat on, in annoyance. He had thought Carnell’s plans for this party was to get him some evidence of bad behaviour to blackmail members of the Board. He could hardly blackmail people with something no one thought was shameful could he?

The slumbering man stirred and forced Uvanov to stand up. The man stared bleary eyed at him. “Morning Firstmaster Chairholder. Great party: best ever! You can count on my vote. Do you have an aspirin?”

Uvanov responded by passing the guest a glass of something alcoholic, off a discarded tray, as a substitute. The man took the glass, drained it and rolled over with a sigh. As he did so, a light bulb went on in Uvanov’s mind. “You’ve lost your bet, Carnell.”

Carnell lifted his eyebrows. “Really?”

“My hangover had confused my memory, but now I‘m coming round, it’s all becoming clear.”

“It is?”

“Iago has satisfied me this morning - very much so. I feel all glowy thinking about it,” said Uvanov. Satisfied as in Iago has made me very popular, thought Uvanov. They all wanted to be screwed by Iago and I made their dream come true. That dozy drunk was Zotr and he hates me, but now he’s saying he’ll vote for me. I could put forward any motion and have it passed. If Iago’s that good, I could get Landerchild to vote for National Landerchild Hate Day. Or vote me Firstmaster Chairholder for life, added the sober side of his brain.


End file.
